Love is all around

Repost from 11/06

My guest host is I am Cher.

From ..OM..:  you are pretty much my guru. you are about three years ahead of me. I was separated for over ten years
but didn’t get the divorce until a few months ago. I’m one of those
idiots you talk about, who thinks that just because I was physically
separated from my ex, that that is good enough.  I didn’t think about it before, but I found out that you don’t really start to heal, or whatever you want to call it, until you get that final divorce decree. I was back at square one and had no clue.  Thanks to you, I now at least have a clue. I am so lucky that I found you.

It’s hard to imagine your being a doormat, and yes, anyone not inspired by you is a dork.

 

 

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—————– Original Message —————–

 

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DT:  The reader is referring to my mentioning that its been a little over three years since I separated from my ex.  It took another gut wrenching 18 months to get a divorce from him.  Although,
he too, very much wanted the divorce as there were no redeeming
qualities left in our marriage, he fought me tooth and nail, on every
issue.  He is an attorney and thought he was gonna slam me with everything he had.  I lost out on many issues, but won on the most important issue.  All three of them (my attorney, his attorney, and him, who is an attorney) said I wouldn’t win on that issue.  I said, “yes, I will.  I read real estate contracts all day.  I know how this works.”  Anyway, I won that property settlement issue.

 

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How would I rate my ex on the core tenets that I write about?

 

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1. Chemistry?  A little bit. ….
2. Communication?  Zero. ….
3. Confidence?  Zero. ….
4. Connect with her?  Zero. ….
5. Caring?  I would rate this very high. ….
6. Consistency?  I would rate this very high.  He was very loyal, high fidelity, and his behavior was consistent. ….
7. Values and morals?  Very dissimilar, not good…..

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I was ready to move on.  I had already grieved the loss of my marriage the last three years we were together.  I could hold my head up high that I tried everything in my power to make it work.  We were just not compatible enough.  We
didn’t have enough in common and the huge elephant in the room was that
our values and morals were diametrically on opposite corners of the
room.  It is that quality that I tell my boys to always look at before you pop the question (values and morals).  He is a petty and therefore a pathetic man.  He had no clue who I was (2nd C, Connect with her).  None…..

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Water seeks its own level.  As petty as he was on many levels, I was equally as broken in different ways or I wouldn’t have chosen such a man.  Thanks
to being beaten down by my mom, who repeatedly reinforcd
‘you’ll-never-amount-to-anything’ trip, I was pretty much rendered a
doormat.  It is only too amazing that I arose from the ashes of all that to blossom into whom I am today.  I only became the true DT after my divorce decree was finalized.

 

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Getting back to you, you cannot think straight when youre in the middle of legal battles.  Your life is not your own.  There are so many emotional, not to mention, financial and custody issues that arise that you cannot foresee.  You do your best to get through it all.  Sure, some couples get along, but often if you got along that well, you’d still be married.

 

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To my separated readers out there, if you cant get along on paper, if you cant get along in court, you must seek resolution through mediation.  Going through the motions in court is not only extremely gut wrenching, but its financially draining as well.  Also, I KNOW how private most of you guys are.  Do you have any concept what its like to air your dirty laundry in a public court, where a dozen other couples are going through the same thing as you?? 

 

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The mediator is often a retired judge who serves the same purpose as a judge.  You are still represented by your respective attorneys.  The petitioning parties, you and your ex, are taken out of the room.  I tried to get my ex to do mediation for months, to no avail.  It
was after 3 appearances in front of the judge with no resolution on any
of the issues that the judge ordered us to go to mediation.  When we went to mediation, matters got solved with lightning speed, things I never thought would get resolved, did.

 

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..OM.., thank you for acknowledging that even after 10 years of separation, no healing can begin until the final divorce decree.  So
often guys are separated for a mere few months and because they are
lonely, horny, or bored think that is as good as divorced.  Its not.  No where near it.  They have no clue what is in store for them.  Why the mad rush?  Well,
I think when a guy divorces, he feels like a huge failure, there is a
jump to find a new relationship right away to validate that he is still
a good guy.  Huge, huge mistake.  I
think that men shouldnt even begin to think of getting into another
relationship until 6 months AFTER the divorce decree, actually its
better to wait 2 years.  Anything before said
time, I consider them to be a Rebound Guy, and you guys know how I feel
about that (I have written about that issue a couple of times), meaning
if you don’t have any ME time and think over what YOUR part in the
failed marriage was and how YOU contributed to its demise, you are just
destined to repeat the same mistake again.  You have to heal.  You have to grow and learn by your mistakes.  To not do so is relationship suicide…..

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Also,
there is a new legal maneuver that is a conditional divorce decree,
where you can legally be divorced but the financial or the custody
issues are still not resolved.  I CANNOT URGE YOU STRONGLY ENOUGH TO NOT DO THIS.  GET A FULL DIVORCE DECREE AT ALL COSTS.  Unless
you need a decree to be free to marry someone else, which I also advise
against, being that it is so soon after your divorce, I cannot think of
one single benefit for a conditional decree.  DO NOT DO THIS!!!!

 

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Btw, you have no power after the fact.  If you choose to get a conditional decree, you will not negotiate the best possible outcome on the remaining issues.  I
am not an attorney and you should seek legal counsel on this, but in my
view, THERE IS NO REASON TO complete any decree other than a full
divorce decree.  Btw, emotionally speaking, if you get a conditional decree, the healing doesn’t start UNTIL you get the final.  That right there is reason to avoid it.

 

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Ya,
sometimes on these blogs, because the situation warrants it, I resort
to (infrequent) name calling like my mom used to do to me.  For the most part, I chose to not use those tactics.  I much rather like to inspire and motivate my readers to action.  It is my goal to climb into your heart and sit there until YOU decide that it’s the right thing to do.  I hope you hear me.  I hope that even if you don’t agree with my divorce decree or rebound issue stance, that you will at least consider it.  I know what im talking about, far more than you. 

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